Nuts and Bolts

Over the last few weeks and increasingly days, I have begun to feel a growing sense of isolation and dissatisfaction. I'm not really sure what my problem is, but I sorely know that my focus is not on the right things... You know that feeling you get when everything that could go wrong is going wrong all at once. That's where I'm at. I'm in a funk of the worst kind that I'm not sure I can get out of. I'm having an incredibly hard time keeping perspective.

For example (a petty one, but an example nonetheless), over the last year and a half I've lost 35 pounds. This is a number far greater than I anticipated losing, far beyond the goal weight I had originally set for myself. BUT for whatever reason, I now have some VERY arbitrary number in my head of what I want to weigh... and I'm 5 pounds away from weighing that and I canNOT seem to get rid of the last 5 pounds. They just refuse to budge. It all makes me feel horribly depressed because all I can seem to see is where I so badly want to be and not, in fact, how far I've come....

My perspective is all screwy...

Another example, I think I feel really hurt right now as well. Hurt by people that I thought cared about me. I can't seem to let it go, I just seem to keep dwelling on it. It's like I'm feeling some sense of entitlement to an apology or an acknowledgement that I was wronged by the parties who wronged me. But I'm not entitled to that... not in the least bit...

My perspective is all screwy...

I have not one, not two, not three, but four family members that are having health issues right now. Two of those four family members have health issues that are life threatening. All four of those families members live in a different state. I can't even be there with them or offer any sort of support to them or to my other family members. It makes me feel helpless and worthless and extremely isolated. What good am I, if I am of no use to the people that I love the most?

My perspective is all screwy...

I feel like I'm putting forth my best effort professionally and personally and so often I feel like the bad guy. It makes me not want to try anymore.

Well, you know what comes next...

My dear friend, Erin, and I often used to refer to ourselves as "nuts and bolts in the mud" when we were in college. We felt like our professors didn't value us as students or young professionals or even people. We felt we were being torn down like a house that has been reduced to nuts and bolts in the mud. It was clear that our professors had their share of "favorites" (just between you and me, it was usually the ones who watched their kids) and we didn't make the cut of "favorites". In retrospect, we may have been being a little melodramatic, but what is life without a little drama here and there?

So what, my dear readers (if you are still reading my blog or happen to stumble upon it), do I do? What do you do? How do you pick yourself up when you've fallen and all you really want to do is stay on the ground? How do you build your house again when you feel like all you have are nuts and bolts in the mud?

99% -- I'm A Gonna Need a Moment Please

I'm not really a political type of person. Mostly because... well for one thing I don't know much about politics, but probably the bigger reason is that I just don't care about politics. I can admit that I probably should care about politics, at least a little bit... And I can also admit that I really don't care about them, not even a little bit...

With that said, this is my 2 cents for what it's worth. I am blessed beyond measure. I have more than I could ever possibly deserve. I have a roof over my head, clothes on back, food on my table, a job, a degree that I now officially own (meaning NO STUDENT LOANS), running water, an incredible husband, a sparky cat, a yellow mustang, the list could go on and on...

I know that there are many times I am not thankful for all these blessings. I think sometimes I let my sanguine self run out of control and I find myself swinging on the sanguine personality pendulum of "EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL! THIS FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS" and "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! MY LIFE IS RUINED!" Because really that's how we sanguines are... it's go big or go home with us, no in betweens. I desperately know I complain too much...

SO here's where I'm going with this. Today I was at the gym, in the locker room specifically getting ready to get my work out on when in walks a woman wearing one of the 99% shirts. Now I don't know this woman and maybe she really is having a tough time right now, I have absolutely not a lick of a right to judge... BUT I'll be darned if I didn't get plum stinkin' mad at her for wearing that shirt... Because there are a few things that I DO KNOW about this woman:

1. She considers herself in the 99% based on her clothing of choice.

2. She can afford to pay for a gym membership.

3. She can afford to pay for a VIP gym membership nonetheless . How do I know this you say? Well at our gym you can only be in the gym at 8:00pm if you are a VIP member, regular members have specific hours they can be at the gym...

And this is where I really wanted to be like... How bad can your life possibly be? You are here. You have the money to pay for the gym membership. You obviously have money to buy that shirt and wear it around. How bad can your life possibly be??

Let's have a little perspective here...

I am blessed beyond what I deserve....

Reflections: Cow Salve for the Soul

When I was a little girl, I would often get scratched by (believe it or not!) CATS, cut up from riding my bike on a gravel road, and any other number of minor abrasions from being a little bit of a klutz. No joke, I LOVED myself a band-aid and, maybe just as much as a band-aid, did I love myself some McNess Cow Salve.

How to describe cow salve to those who have never experienced it... Well my dear friend Katie Garner says that it smells like a "hot band-aid". I personally believe it smells like the healing breath of angels. It's a beautiful golden amber in color and I think the correct word to picture it in your head is probably "ointment" or maybe "gel glob". I truly believe in the power of cow salve - it makes all minor cuts and scrapes all better.

The tin of cow salve I grew up with (which I'm pretty sure my mother owned since she was in high school) had a discolored tooth pick in it. We were very economical you see. We didn't get a new toothpick every time we need to use the cow salve. We had one toothpick that stayed inside the tin at all times so when you needed some cow salve the toothpick was at the ready! My mom would use the tooth pick to put some cow salve on a band-aid and then the band-aid would go onto the wound. I'm fairly confident that the tooth pick in the tin of cow salve was older than I am and it is probably still currently residing in my mother's tin of cow salve.

When I was in college I asked for my very own tin of McNess Cow Salve for my birthday. I couldn't have been more thrilled to open the gift and find the beautiful red tin that I associated with "all better". Lucky me! I now too can pass on the healing powers of 20 year old Cow Salve to my own future children. What great joy!

....

Sometimes though I wish cow salve could heal more than minor scrapes and cat scratches.

Sometimes I wish I could just put that beautiful golden amber gel glob straight onto my aching heart.

I've had a bit of a rough week. On top of fighting a cold, struggling professionally, and missing my sweet Kansas something fierce, we're having a few other problems on the home front. And all I really want is to put some cow slave on a 24+ year old toothpick, slather it all over, and fix everything.

But I suppose life doesn't work that way...

I was reflecting upon all this last night and wondering if God was piling it all on so that I would finally realize that instead of trying to fix everything myself, I needed to begin with a cry of help.

I like simple things. Simply put: God = Cow Salve for the Soul

:)

Love, Peace, and Cow Salve Grease,

Jess

Casanova's Toys

I feel as if I should explain my blogging absence over the last year... and well I'll give you 3 words and that's about all I can do:

I got married. :)

Okay moving right along, we'll just pretend I haven't be absent as I have so many fun stories to tell whoever stumbles upon my blog just to see if I've actually written anything in the last year.

And this story is about my darling 10 month old black cat....

When I was born I was given a blue bear and a baby blanket. Ever since I was little I have affectionately referred to said blue bear and baby blanket as Blueberries and Blankie, respectively. Unfortunately Blankie and Blueberries did not keep well if you know what I mean. Blueberries lost his mouth and his fur became matted and rather rough. Blankie was held together by rusted safety pins because, well, my mother safety pinned him back together when he fell apart and those safety pins went through the wash COUNTLESS times.

When I was packing up to go to college shortly after graduating from high school, my mother told me that I could not take Blueberries and Blankie with me. They had to stay at home. If you know me, you can imagine, I'm sure, how well that went over. So what did I do? As any good daughter would do, I secretly packed them up with me and to my dorm they went. They stayed with me throughout my 4 years of college.

After graduating from college I got an internship here in Atlanta, GA. As we were packing me up to move to the ATL, my mother once again told me that Blueberries and Blankie would not be joining me on said trip. She told me repeatedly my BELOVED blue bear and raggle taggle blanket needed to go in the trash. WELL I'm sure that since you now know just how much I love my childhood remnants, how that conversation went. SO like any good daughter, I once again secretly packed them up and to the ATL they went, only to be revealed to my mother upon our arrival in my new house.

In December of 2009, my phenomenal now husband, proposed to me. It was such a beautiful thing. Later my mother and I had a talk. She said to me "Jessica, you can NOT take Blueberries and Blankie to the marriage bed". And I said to her "WO-HO-HO! I will ABSOLUTELY still have my precious Blueberries and Blankie with me after I get married. Kevin gets me and Blueberries and Blankie or nothing!" (that last sentence is probably exaggerated.)

So what did I do? Naturally, I kept Blueberries and Blankie... However, they were somewhat "demoted" if you will. Much to my dismay, it did feel a little strange to have my childhood toys in bed with me and my husband, so I moved them. They now reside underneath my side of the bed, that way they are still close enough for me to reach in case I need a moment of comfort and familiarity (or in case the dark gets too scary or my Himalayan Crystal Salt lamp goes out...).

At this point, I KNOW you're thinking... "But Jessica, you said this story was about your cat!"

Well one night, my husband and I were sitting on our futon watching, oh perhaps The Bachelorette or The Voice. My wild black cat, Casanova is ROMPING around the house in his usual fashion... destroying things, throwing himself at the mirror in the bathroom, eating toilet paper... you know, the usual... when he disappears for a hot minute.

I look around the room noticing that my furry monster is missing and relatively quiet. I note said observation to Kevin when SUDDENLY the demon comes out of our bedroom carrying none other than MY BELOVED BLUEBERRIES in his FOUL SMELLING CAT MOUTH. I'm sure you can imagine the blood-curling scream that escape from MY mouth!

He throws Blueberries down and proceeds to attack him in the most vicious of manners! Flipping over him, jumping on him, running around with him, all as I sit horrified and stunned!! I jump off the futon and LUNGE at Casanova, who takes off running at the speed of light, but luckily leaves my sweet Blueberries on the floor where I can rescue him!

It was a traumatizing event that transpired to say the least.... But I think you will be pleased to know that Blueberries was not harmed in the attack... at least that I could tell, but as you'll remember he wasn't in the best of conditions to begin with. And because I don't usually learn my lessons the first time around, I placed him back underneath my side of the bed with Blankie.

And here is the question I pose to you my dear reader... at what point is it time to give up your Blueberries and Blankie?

When your cat decides that they are his play things?

Or do you ever really outgrow them?

I'd like to believe that a part of me will be forever young... that a part of me will always be child-like....

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,

Jess

I'm Here

I'm alive... I'm kickin'.... I just thought you all should know! (Not that you were worried... hehe!). Someday I aspire to be an AWESOME blogger... don't know if I'll ever make it to that though.

Kevin and I are 10 days away from our wedding! HOLY CROW!! Things are BEYOND crazy right now. I feel like every night I come home and we have wedding stuff to do. But soon it will be over and (SPOILER: uber mushy moment coming up, read at your own risk) I will be married to the greatest man ever (at least in my opinion ;).

I keep having all these wonderful blogging ideas and I promise to be a better blogger in the future! But for now I need to go practice my dance lessons... oh man...

Love you all! To my Kansas folks, I miss you more than words can't say and I hope I get to see you all in 10 days :)

411

So I'm still here... even though my blogging habits definitely leave something to be desired. :)

Here's the 411...

THE LIVING SITUATION: I'm still in Georgia. I moved to Roswell, GA the last day of my internship (I was living in the Sandy Springs/Buckhead area for those who didn't know). Holy Nightmare! Again for those who don't know (although the majority of you probably do) for the last 4 weeks I've been fighting.... roaches.... UGH! The day I was supposed to move into my new apartment it was infested with roaches. So the apartment complex put me into a different apartment in a different building. Supposedly I was getting a "great deal". Originally I was to move into a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. Now I am in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment for the same price except.... that it also has... roaches... In fairness, it's gotten A LOT better than when I first moved in, but the darn bugs still haunt me a little. What I've learned is that getting rid of roaches more than anything takes PATIENCE. The apartment complex assures me this is extremely unusual and is paying for the exterminator to come out weekly. I keep telling myself this will a great life story when I'm old and have kids... but right now it's not something I'm enjoying.

THE JOB: It's up and down. Mostly I absolutely LOVE IT! Sometimes though I don't... and I get really discouraged. I know there are many things I will learn with experience and I try to not be so hard on myself (HA! Easier said then done!). I've only been a "professional" for 4 weeks which means I'm still learning the ropes in all the different facets of this job. I never imagined it would be so hard and there are certain aspects of my job that my internship and 4 years at the University of Kansas DID NOT prepare me for. Generally speaking I have GREAT group of kiddos and I couldn't be more blessed to work them. I'm still in the process of building up my caseload which is very difficult, but I know things will get better too once my caseload is a little larger. I work with the most amazing group of woman. I've really come to respect them and enjoy their company. There are days when I think to myself "gosh is work supposed to be this fun??" :D

THE WEDDING: I have moments when I'm like "HOLY CROW!! THE WEDDING IS 3 MONTHS AWAY!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!". Can you say stressed out??? I do not recommend trying to plan a wedding when you live in a different state. I'm flying back to KS on Thursday night and this is the weekend plan: meet with florist, meet with pastor, dress alterations, engagement pictures, order/finish editing invitations..... and who knows what else... fast and furious that's how we do when I come home for a weekend.

I suppose that is all for now, but because I like pictures I will leave you with a picture from my 23rd birthday with my birthday cookie :)

Love, love!

And all of a sudden...

My life has completely changed in the last 24 hours....

I woke up yesterday morning thinking everything was the same as usual. I was 3 and 1/2 weeks away from being done with my internship. I was moving back to Kansas. I was trying to figure out the "what comes next" part of life. I was trying to survive....

Amber, my internship director (who is also my supervisor on Tuesdays), was going to be late that day. She had intern auditions for next year. SO after doing 3 sessions and eating my lunch, I wait for her to arrive as I prepare for my next session. At about 11:30am she strolls in and says "Jessica I have the perfect job for you." I stare at her blankly. She proceeds to tell me about a private practice in the area that is hiring a music therapist. It was the same facility that I had been to a couple weeks ago for observation purposes. I tell Amber that I know they are hiring, but my plans are to move back to Kansas. She proceeds to tell me that they want to hire IMMEDIATELY because one of the music therapists that currently works there is resigning. The owner of this private practice interned with Amber several years ago and called Amber about her current interns. Amber suggested me and one other intern to the owner for the job... I basically put my head in my hands and almost start crying. I knew that it was the PERFECT job for me, but I just didn't think it would logistically work out. Thus began about 30 minutes of Amber and I going back and forth about the pros and cons of applying for this job...

SO what did I do? I naturally called my mom. I needed to get mom approval. LOL I'm almost 23 years old and in my crazy mind I still need mom approval. :) Moms are just good at stuff like this. Then I called my fiance and with both of them on board I decided to call the owner of the practice and talk.

The owner answers and after the hello, how are ya business this is basically how our dialogue went down:

Owner: Would you like to set up an interview?

Me: Yes...I would love to.

Owner: When can you come in?

Me: Oh really any time as long as it's after school. Tell me when is good for you.

Owner: How about 5:00pm?

Me: Ummm... tonight??!?

Owner: Yeah, I had another girl who couldn't make it tonight. So if you could make it tonight that'd be perfect...

Me: Ummmm...okay sure.

Owner: You got a resume?

Me: Yeah.... but I don't have any fabulous resume paper.

Owner: *laughs* That's okay, just bring it in anyway. I know you haven't had any time to prepare so don't stress.

I haul myself home as fast as I can (for those who know the Atlanta area, I drive from Alpharetta to Buckhead), print off my resume, get back in my car and high tail it to the clinic for my interview. All the while I'm totally freaking out and calling people to tell them what's going on.

I get to the clinic about 10 minutes late (darn Atlanta traffic). I meet with the owner and we end up talking for about an hour and half. She asks me some typical interview questions (what are your strengths and weaknesses? where do you see yourself in 6 months? in 2 years? etc). She also asks me some more music therapy geared questions (what is the definition of music therapy in YOUR words? thank you quiz out #4!!!! i had a darn good answer!). She asks me some questions that I have to tell her "honestly I have never even thought about that". We then go into one of the treatment rooms and I play the guitar and sing a little for her. She then asks me some session "what would you do in this situation?" type questions.

And then after all this is done....

She offers me the job on the spot....

And all of a sudden my world was not the same one that I woke up in that morning.....

Today I called her back and accepted the job. Looks like I'll be in Atlanta for a little bit longer than I initially thought :)