Nuts and Bolts

Over the last few weeks and increasingly days, I have begun to feel a growing sense of isolation and dissatisfaction. I'm not really sure what my problem is, but I sorely know that my focus is not on the right things... You know that feeling you get when everything that could go wrong is going wrong all at once. That's where I'm at. I'm in a funk of the worst kind that I'm not sure I can get out of. I'm having an incredibly hard time keeping perspective.

For example (a petty one, but an example nonetheless), over the last year and a half I've lost 35 pounds. This is a number far greater than I anticipated losing, far beyond the goal weight I had originally set for myself. BUT for whatever reason, I now have some VERY arbitrary number in my head of what I want to weigh... and I'm 5 pounds away from weighing that and I canNOT seem to get rid of the last 5 pounds. They just refuse to budge. It all makes me feel horribly depressed because all I can seem to see is where I so badly want to be and not, in fact, how far I've come....

My perspective is all screwy...

Another example, I think I feel really hurt right now as well. Hurt by people that I thought cared about me. I can't seem to let it go, I just seem to keep dwelling on it. It's like I'm feeling some sense of entitlement to an apology or an acknowledgement that I was wronged by the parties who wronged me. But I'm not entitled to that... not in the least bit...

My perspective is all screwy...

I have not one, not two, not three, but four family members that are having health issues right now. Two of those four family members have health issues that are life threatening. All four of those families members live in a different state. I can't even be there with them or offer any sort of support to them or to my other family members. It makes me feel helpless and worthless and extremely isolated. What good am I, if I am of no use to the people that I love the most?

My perspective is all screwy...

I feel like I'm putting forth my best effort professionally and personally and so often I feel like the bad guy. It makes me not want to try anymore.

Well, you know what comes next...

My dear friend, Erin, and I often used to refer to ourselves as "nuts and bolts in the mud" when we were in college. We felt like our professors didn't value us as students or young professionals or even people. We felt we were being torn down like a house that has been reduced to nuts and bolts in the mud. It was clear that our professors had their share of "favorites" (just between you and me, it was usually the ones who watched their kids) and we didn't make the cut of "favorites". In retrospect, we may have been being a little melodramatic, but what is life without a little drama here and there?

So what, my dear readers (if you are still reading my blog or happen to stumble upon it), do I do? What do you do? How do you pick yourself up when you've fallen and all you really want to do is stay on the ground? How do you build your house again when you feel like all you have are nuts and bolts in the mud?